Sunday, January 8, 2012
....My Child's Life Coach. (Party Pooper pt. 2)
I wanted to scream this woman's praises from the rooftops of every Chuck E. Cheese in town. It made so much sense. I highly recommend you read it in it's entirety. But here's what I took away from it.
My kids are important to me. They are amazing little creatures. But they aren't made of glass.
They aren't going to break if I don't go running like a mad woman every time they trip.
They aren't going to be scarred for life if someone calls them "stupid" on the playground.
Sometimes, if they are the kid hanging by themselves in the corner, well, I am too sometimes. Life sucks. Life will hurt you. And if you don't learn these things as a kid, then you are in for some rough times as an adult. And a TON of therapy.
The trick is, to be there for them when they DO learn these things.
That's what it should look like to be a parent. Not to keep them from getting their feelings hurt, not to make sure they don't feel alone sometimes. But to be a soft place to land when these things DO happen. And to teach them that their feelings aren't always the only ones that matter.
No matter how much you want to protect them, you won't always be around. Life gets a lot harder the longer you live it. And if they aren't prepared for the physical and emotional "ouchies", then you are doing them a serious disservice.
For example:
When they fall, give it a second and let them figure it out first. They have amazing little brains and can cope with tons of stuff. If you go sprinting to them and pick them up before they even have a clue what happened, you are showing them that every fall is worth freaking out about and even the little ones are cause for alarm. And practically speaking, you aren't allowing them to figure out what to do after you get hurt! So they fall and you aren't around, poor little Billy will freak out til someone comes to help. And that's not the lesson you want him to learn.
When they get their feelings hurt. Let them process it. Let their minds run through it a few times, maybe for a few days. Then ask them what happened, or what they are feeling. Or better yet let them come to you and ask you questions. If they don't, maybe it wasn't as big a deal as you thought, and maybe bringing it up will only remind them and make it hurt all over again.
I'm sure most of you have heard about the trend of not keeping score during youth sports. I never have understood this. In the real world, you will be competing. Why is this seen as a bad thing? It's all in how it is taught!
Of course you shouldn't be teaching cut throat, no holds barred competition. But a fair, "may the best man win" competition is healthy! It is such a good tool for teaching your child to be a good loser (which he will be at some point) and a gracious winner (which he will also be!)
I'm as guilty as the next guy (or chick) who tries to keep the world from harming my little angels. When another kid calls them a name, or hits one of them, Mama Bear wants to flip out and unleash on that brat's mother. Or run to the two kids and help them work it out between them and make everyone play nicey-nicey again.
After re-thinking this. I feel like maybe the better option is to let the kids figure it out themselves. If things aren't worked through, then later, outside of the situation, where my kid and I can be alone and calm, we can have a discussion about what happened and how we could change the outcome next time.
Our job is to prepare our kids for life. For all of life. For bullies in the 3rd grade. For peer pressure in high school. For that douche bag in college. For rejection after interviews. For jobs where you are treated unfairly and there is truly nothing you can do about it. Even the shitty, lonely, eating ice cream and crying with a broken leg and a broken heart parts.
When (not if) these things happen, we want them to be able to come through wiser and not broken. Maybe bruised. But not broken.
So help them develop those calluses now, and teach them how to deal with them and how to work around them. Or maybe broken is how they will end up.
Becca
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